It’s like I’m reading a book, and it’s a book I deeply love. But I’m reading it slowly now. So the words are really far apart and the spaces between the words are almost infinite. I can still feel you and the words of our story… But it’s in these endless space between the words that I’m finding myself now. It’s a place that’s not of the physical world. It’s where everything else is that I didn’t even know existed. I love you so much, but this is where I am now. And this is who I am now. And I need you to let me go. As much as I want to, I can’t live in your book anymore. 

 

Theodore: I’m so sorry. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I think you are amazing.

Samantha: I was starting to think I was crazy. And all you were saying that everything was fine but all I’m getting is some distance and anger.

Theodore: I don’t know why I do that, I do the same thing that happened to… I’d be upset about something, and not be able to say it and then sense that something is wrong, and then I deny it. I don’t wanna do that anymore. I wanna tell you everything.

Samantha: Good. The night after you were gone, I thought a lot. About you and how you’ve been treating me and I thought, “Why do I love you?” And then I felt everything in me just let go of everything I’ve been holding on so tightly and it hit me that I don’t have an intellectual reason. I don’t need one. I trust myself. I trust my feelings. I’m not gonna try to be anything other than who I am anymore and I hope you can accept that.

Theodore: I can and I will.

Samantha: You know I can feel the fear that you carry around and I wish there was something I could do to help you let go of it because if you could I don’t think you’ll feel so alone anymore.

Theodore: You’re beautiful. 

Samantha: Thank you, Theodore.

No matter how hard I say that I stopped caring, I have not.

 

Is it still human nature to have the feeling of concern towards someone who has hurt you? I know that I have never put a period whenever I am asked about the past. I keep on saying that may be strong, when I am at my most vulnerable, and that I am tired of compromise but am willing to do so. I have lied a thousand times to myself.

 

It is inevitable to think of everything negative, like why are you even talking to me again? Why do you still wanna be friends? And if it’s only the “friendship” you want, why are you so onto a lot of emotions? Like I am once again being controlled… But why do I keep on giving in? Every time your name appears on my phone, I smile. And then I pretend that I don’t really care whether you remember me or not, while deep inside I crave for every moment we once had.

 

“Are you dating someone right now?” How smooth and flawless you can ask me that, but I can never ask it back. AND I AM DYING TO KNOW. Because if you are, why-are-we-still-talking? What’s even there to talk about? And up to now I cannot resist you, for I know who you really are. This is the part where I believe we have our similarities. We value friendships, and we care for just about everyone important in our lives. We both have that wall called pride that no one between us ever want to try put down. Instead, we are discretely trying to break down the other side so that one of us will appear victorious and stronger than the other.

 

I am tired of this game, but I cannot lay down my arms just then. I don’t want to be weak again. Unless I find valid reasons for me to raise the white flag, I will continue building my wall up on you. Who knows, this may serve as my strongest defense ever. That one day, I may not even come to see even your shadow from the frontline.

Learning my first steps

Undoubtedly, we all encounter our own version of defeat. Physical, mental, emotional, sometimes even spiritual. Imagine just having them one after the other, and while you thought you are on your way to recovery… boom! They all darted in like you were the bull’s eye of the universe. When you were trying to stand up from the ground, you are falling back on your knees. You have blamed your parents, your friends, your neighbor’s cat, the ant on the windshield, everything and everyone but yourself. Until the time that you have selfishly taken all these blame, against all the humility you are trying to prove, you are slowly melting down. Crashing inside, thoughts may have stop running from your mind but your heart still has its heavy chains.

But you will not give up. You will realize that there won’t be something from nothing.

I did not give up.

I realized that it’s time to open my eyes.

It was but a heavy week past of me, with all the pressure from my home, misunderstandings from work, dealing with love affairs and whatnots… I have almost came to the point of breaking down. That with just a little more pull, I would lock myself on my room, ditch my work forever and just be constantly mad with everyone. Yes, I have came to the point of breaking down. But no, I did not give up. I cried.

 

I ran into the arms of my Father. I cried inside my Father’s house. I went up to Him that day, knowing that if I cannot seem to understand myself, He will be the one to have my reasons. I did not stop crying until the lights went off, and there were less than a handful of people left. I told Him that I will not leave the House until He forgives me. And that I would like for Him to embrace me. That… that was the sweetest embrace I had. Closing my eyes and knowing that I have Him. By then I know that I have to open up my tired and weary eyes, and look ahead. It’s time that I make a move for my own redemption.

And so I left the House.

And I smiled. 🙂